Understanding the Psychological traps behind the appeal of the unreachable - Feby Baiju, Assistant Professor / Psychology

 

Why we crave unrequited love: The allure of unavailable - Feby Baiju

Have you ever found yourself inexplicably drawn to someone who seems just out of reach—perhaps after they rejected you or ended your relationship?

It’s a frustrating yet common experience: the more they pull away, the more we find ourselves wanting them. Despite the obvious signs that they’re not as invested, our mind plays tricks on us, convincing us that there’s something special about this person—something worth pursuing.

This dynamic is explored humorously and dramatically in the book and movie He’s Just Not That Into You. Despite its widespread popularity, the message often falls on deaf ears. When someone distances themselves, our instinct often isn’t to move on, but to hang on, no matter the cost.

But why do we pine for those who rejected or dished us and who don’t return our feelings? What makes us obsessed with people who place us at the bottom of their priority list?

The Social Stigma of Being Single

Social expectations further complicate our reactions to romantic rejection. Society often equates being in a relationship with stability, success, and happiness. When we’re in a relationship, we’re seen as part of a unit, invited to social events together, and regarded as having achieved a significant life milestone.

Conversely, when a relationship ends, it’s seen as newsworthy, especially within our social circles. The end of a relationship can lead to a loss of social status and a change in how we’re perceived by others.

Being single—especially after a breakup—almost inevitably comes with a stigma. Society tends to view single people, particularly those who have been recently rejected, with a certain level of pity or even suspicion.

Breaking Free and Reclaiming Your Self-Worth

So, how do you break free from the cycle of chasing people who don’t want you? The first step is to redefine your self-worth, separating it from your relationship status. It’s crucial to understand that your value doesn’t diminish just because someone else fails to see it.

Equally important: You are more than your romantic relationships. Your identity isn’t determined by someone else’s interest in you, nor by your relationship status—it’s something you define for yourself.

By recognizing the factors that trigger your destructive behavioral patterns and excessive reliance on external validation, and consciously choosing to redefine your identity, you can begin to reclaim your “self.” Remember, the most important relationship you have is the one with yourself—invest in it wisely.